“Please, I am begging you. Don’t leave.” I have resorted to begging her to stay. I am standing at the door of our home and blocking her exit. Hoping that I can somehow change her mind and make her stay.

Since that last big fight, she has refused to listen to or speak to me. She does not even acknowledge my presence.

It hurts. It hurts so much that I get so angry and smash things. She notices that. My anger. She always notices my anger.
A yelp accompanied by a frightened start and then she looks at the pieces of the smashed object on the floor near my feet. The most annoying part is when she looks up and at me but then, after seeing her face, I can never stay angry because I can see the tears as they gather in her eyes.
After my angry outbursts, she locks herself in the bathroom and cries. I do not know if she thinks I can not hear her, but I can and it breaks my heart that I have made her cry.

I have apologised for getting angry and walking out on her in my anger. Still she refuses to speak to me. It is so frustrating and I end up getting angry and smashing something to get her attention and only end up getting her tears. Why won’t she just speak to me?

Now, she has chosen to leave. I do not want her to go. I do not understand why she does not speak to me so we can work this out.

So here I am standing at the door of our house and ready to use brute force to stop her from leaving me.

As she walks towards me, I start to yell and shout. Beg and plead. She looks for a minute like she would speak to me. She stops right at the door, standing one step away from me. She looks up into my eyes and tears run down her face as she whispers “Good bye”. I am about to grab her when she steps forward and walks through the door. The only problem is that I am standing at the door so she has just walked right through me . I am as stunned as she is because for some reason my wife just walked through me and somehow I feel like she felt that because as soon as she passes me, she turns around in shock and whispers my name.

I am still trying to comprehend and understand what just happened, when I suddenly remember. I remember the fight and storming out in anger. Driving and then loosing control of the car. A loud crash and bang. The sound of metal scraping and pressing together. The smell of petrol and then a loud explosion. Pain, lots of pain and then a bright light with all pain seeming to fade away into the light. I remember it all as the light completely blinds me before I am sucked into numbing and comforting darkness.

***

A heartbeat. I can hear it. It is close to me but the darkness that surrounds me does not allow me to investigate. I hear voices, mostly of a woman. I feel like I know her voice but cannot remember where from.

I love that voice and the heartbeat, a comforting sound that lulls me to sleep and keeps me awake.

The next time I opened my eyes from the bright light, I can remember nothing, but am mesmerised by the face of the most beautiful woman I had ever seen. I hear someone say “Congratulations, you have a beautiful boy!” I looked up into the tear and sweat  stained face of the woman holding me. I knew her, but could not remember where from. I just knew that I knew her and I loved her.

She looked at me and smiled and said, “You have his eyes. You have your father’s eyes, little one.”

Advertisements