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The cold… that was the only thing i could feel. The stinging cold that was the remnant of a heavy rainfall that had gone on all through the day and during my meeting. As i put my numb hands in the pockets of my sweater i could feel the paper in my pocket and it felt so hot against my fingers. Its heat was an imaginary flame that burnt my guilt into my hand and  sending a searing pain to my heart.

I could hardly breath, my breaths were coming in short and fast. I walked to the car, started the ignition and as the car spurred to life, the tears ran down my face.

All i remember was getting home and going straight to my bed, i don’t know how i managed to drive with all the turmoil in my heart but i woke the next morning feeling worse than ever. I wanted to be strong, but i didn’t have the strength to be strong. I needed to talk to someone, but there was no one i felt would understand. As i thought about my situation and how helpless i felt i broke down.

I looked at him sitting across from me on the rug we loved so much. We had spent a lot of time on that rug. I had even begun to blame the rug for my current predicament. After he got back from his trip to the Abj branch, he immediately came to my place. As i saw all the food bags in his hand i couldn’t help but smile. I loved him so much… but i did not want to hear or see what his reaction would be to my news. I had hardly been able to eat anything since i found out, I just couldn’t bring myself to eat. I was smiling and trying my very best to look normal, although i knew he knew something was up. We had gotten that close, he would know something was wrong with me simply by the way i said hello on the phone.

I don’t know when i noticed the discomfort, or when it turned into pain or when the pain turned unbearable. All i know is that i looked at him and said i was going to the bathroom. I was gonna try and get myself together before coming back out. I had hardly taken one step when i realised that something was very very wrong. As i felt my head get dizzy i tried to warn him, to tell him to catch me cos i didn’t want to fall down, cos i didn’t know what that would do… what that would do to us…. I opened my mouth to tell him to catch me, but i couldn’t get the words out. The blackness came too fast and i remember that right before it took over, i thought to myself that the numbness and blackness was really welcome cos i couldn’t feel that pain in my stomach. I remember thinking “God, pls let us be ok”

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Something was wrong, something was very wrong. She looked too pale and wasn’t eating as much as i thought she would and i had ordered food from her fave restaurant (actually she hadn’t eaten anything at all). To say i was worried would be an understatement. “SO what’s up? ” She looked at me and suddenly grit her teeth like she did when she was in pain. I immediately lost it, “babes! what was that?” I looked at her expecting her to tell me what was bothering her….. She gave me her power smile and the usual “I am fine…”. She looked like she was about to pass out. She excused herself and got up, after she took a very careful step towards the bathroom she turned to me slowly and whispered  “baby, pls catch m….”
It all happened so quickly that i didn’t have time to think about anything. As soon as she got up, I already figured something was terribly wrong. I had gotten up and stretched out my hand by the time she said ‘baby’.

“What?!” I looked at the doctor incredulously. What was she talking about. It couldn’t be. I needed to think. So this was what she was hiding. OMG! How could she, how could she do something like this? “Like what?” This was me asking myself. I wasn’t even sure what i was angry at her for. I just… the doctor came to tell me she was awake and I turned and walked out of the clinic. I just needed to think. I just needed to get my heart to stop beating so fast.

She was pregnant. I was gonna be a dad.

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